People going through the loss of a loved one often worry they’re not grieving in the right way if their experience differs from their and others’ expectations of what grief looks like, said Deborah McLeod, clinical director at Carepath Inc., during Benefits Canada’s 2024 Mental Health Summit in June.
Grief is a highly individualized process and no two experiences look the same. McLeod shared the example of Fatima, an employee who was shocked and saddened when her mother passed away at age 86. One of Fatima’s close friends told her that after six months, she’d start to feel better. However, within a few days of her mother’s passing, Fatima didn’t feel like she was grieving, despite being very close with her. She was filled with memories of her mom and felt like she was still with her every day.
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At the six-month mark, Fatima felt like nothing had changed: she missed her mom, thought of her often and occasionally felt sad, but she didn’t think she was grieving. Her friends worried she was suppressing or avoiding her emotions — and it caused Fatima to worry that there was something wrong with her.
Some societal beliefs around grief can create barriers for grievers, said McLeod. Ideas such as grief is predictable, that there’s a right or wrong way to grieve or that certain emotions are good or bad — and that the bad ones shouldn’t be discussed — can cause individuals to question whether they’re grieving correctly. In addition, the idea that it’s important to always be positive, a particularly pervasive attitude among people dealing with cancer, can be unhelpful, as it causes the griever to negatively compare their actual feelings to how they believe they should be feeling.
People are often concerned with what they should say to someone who’s grieving, but less about knowing what to do for the other than it is knowing how to listen. After the initial mourning period, in which people gather around the bereaved and offer support, they tend to avoid the grieving process or even exclude the griever due to discomfort or uncertainty. The best things people can do is to stay in touch and be compassionate and non-judgmental, she said.
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If a colleague or direct report has gone through a loss, it’s important to not to ignore the loss, as is acknowledging and expressing sympathy. As people don’t finish grieving within specific timeframes, managers are encouraged to check in periodically, offering to shift workloads if necessary and spending time with the person. Keeping a list of important dates, such as the anniversary of their loved one’s passing, can also be meaningful to an employee, she said.
McLeod advised against offering advice or common cliches like ‘Time heals all wounds’ or ‘Be thankful they’re no longer in pain.’ While those sentiments are meant well, “the effect, oftentimes, is the [feeling that] the person who’s speaking to me does not understand my grief.”
People who are grieving due to a loved one’s difficult death can experience complex bereavement disorder. That condition, which is characterized by continued difficulties with daily living activities after a longer period of time, depression and/or panic, is typically managed with psychotherapy.
However, clinical guidance is to wait six months after a loss to consider prescribing anti-depressants for someone who’s grieving, given the similarities between grief and depression, she said. Tendencies to sleep more and eat less — also symptoms of depression — tend to show up early in the grieving process but tend to resolve themselves as time goes on. Negative self-talk and persistent sadness are also more likely signs of depression than grief, added McLeod.
Read more coverage of the 2024 Mental Health Summit.